A Resume
– Richard Donaldson
Richard Donaldson
(410) 867-5309
345 Avenue Drive
Westminster, MD
OBJECTIVE
To obtain available boyfriend position and develop a successful relationship. I’ve come to the point in my career where I no longer wish to work on a day-to-day basis. Relationships in the past have achieved moderate success from a business standpoint but eventually end up becoming just that, business. With much of my earlier work, I became focused only on wielding profits and not the best interests of my client. These relationships eventually became the 9-5 lifestyle I had originally tried so hard to avoid. At this point in my career, I’m looking for a client that can benefit just as much from our relationship as I can. Too often in the past I have found myself putting hours upon hours into relationships that yield no promise for the future.
EXPERIENCE/ PAST CLIENTS
Sarah Matthews (Full time) April 2008-November 2009
Met at a party on campus
Brunette, 21
— Personal chauffeur to client
— Often responsible for maintaining and folding client’s laundry.
— Conferred with client while watching countless hours of John and Kate Plus Eight so she wouldn’t be lonely
— Responsible for client’s care and safety when the client was so intoxicated she could no longer stand due to the fact that she had been out drinking all night with past clients
Reason for Leaving — Relationship lingered on for several months at least from a business standpoint. Briefly ended relationship for two to three business days. After renegotiating the terms of our contract, we went back to business as usual for five months or so. Out of all the partnerships I had entered into in my lackluster career, this was the one that held the most potential for success. It had all the characteristics of a good business deal. We saw eye-to-eye on almost all issues, and even more so, there was always a passion for the work that my other ventures lacked. Like with most of my failed relationships prior, I was left wondering where I went wrong. One couldn’t say I was enthusiastic about our merger. She had everything to offer to me at the time. I looked forward to every day of work with her; I was in the prime of my career. The problem is it’s too easy in the world today to get caught up in the job market and the buzz surrounding it. With so much interference, you begin to take the job that you once took so seriously for granted. She then made the decision to find an associate that would give her the attention she felt she deserved. I began to find indications on her Blackberry of “off the record” business deals. After some debate, she determined she was happier with herprevious associate, whom she had been seeing for the latter part of our relationship.
Rebecca Marshall (Part time) December 2007-February 2008
Met through a mutual friend
Brunette, 21
—Conducted some of the most lively business of my career
—Stylist for client when her friends would bail on their shopping trip to the mall
—Maintained client’s self image by assuring her on a daily basis how not fat she looked in those jeans
—Personal chef
Reason for Leaving — When entering into some business relationships, you can often tell when you find yourself compromising your qualifications, as far as potential partners go. Everyone at some point in their career has reached this point and decided to just opt for the most convenient opportunity at the time. Sometimes you just need a job to do so you know you’re worth something to someone. Rebecca was like the sports car my father bought himself during his mid-life crisis. There was no denying her beauty, and sure she looked great out on the road. It was once you got a closer look, however, that you could see how worn out she really was, the car that is. My father didn’t need that car and I didn’t need Rebecca, but they were still nice to keep around. Looking back one could assume that, at the age of 20, Rebecca was essentially my mid-life crisis. This, of course, however, was going off the additional assumption that for some blessed reason I might be put out of my misery by age forty.
Jennifer? (Internship) July 2007
Met at a bar west of town
Redhead, 22
—Accompanied client home and kept her company while she made drinks
—Stayed with client throughout the night to assure the client’s safety
—Promptly regretted the decision when I had to explain to my present client at the time why I smelled like alcohol and woman’s perfume at our weekly lunch conference
Reason for Leaving — I woke up the next morning in a foreign bed, scared of what I might find out about my night as the day wore on. It was as if I had taken the elevator and arrived on the wrong floor at a completely different office. While I would grow to regret this decision more and more, the immediate feeling was that of self assurance. After being out of the game for so long, it was nice knowing I could still present a product that was desirable to the mainstream market.
Lauren Freeman (Full time) October 2006-October 2007
Met in Philosophy class
Brunette, 19
—Served as “study buddy” to the client on many late nights ironing out last minute details of her finance proposal
—Personal escort to client for all social gatherings (formal, semi-formal, business casual)
—Funded majority of our sponsored events because her funds had been depleted on three more unnecessary scarves and a pair of shoes that “will just go with anything”
Reason for Leaving — Lauren was once the only reason I would show up to my two o’clock philosophy class, but during the end of our relationship, I often found myself dodging her in the office on a daily basis. She eventually started to become curious of my affairs pertaining to outside the office. For her, I was spending too much time off the clock wooing potential partners and not enough time with her. After Lauren became aware of the Jennifer internship from back in July, she felt it was best if I pursued a new place to conduct business. She suggested I call Jennifer, and she seemed sure that she would probably have “several openings” that I would be qualified to fill. I couldn’t tell if Lauren knew something I didn’t or if she was just being clever. Needless to say, I didn’t call to follow up.
Ashley Taylor (Part time ) March 2006-July 2006
Friend of my older sister
Brunette, 23
—Successfully completed many a business deal with little time and space to work with
—Designated shotgun when we would go out places and she would drive, which come to think about it, was practically never. I always drove. Actually, the one time she did drive, she told me to sit in the back and lie down when we drove by the mall.
—In the event of possible police involvement, I was responsible for taking the hit for all the “insider trading,” being that I was only a minor and it would only go on my record for another year; by the time I was finally at a job I really liked, they wouldn’t even have to know.
Reason for Leaving — After a series of sketchy business deals, I began to wonder if I could really see myself with this client for an extended period of time. Luckily, she apparently thought the same thing and responded to the news with a pleasant, “Oh you’re still here.” I later found out she was looking for a partner with more on-the-job experience.
Nicole Wells (Part time) November 2005-January 2006
Daughter of friends of the family
Dirty Blonde, 17
—Escorted the client around town and enjoyed every last glare I got from other men climbing the social ladder in hopes of achieving the level of success I had
—Completed several successful deals while parents were away on vacation
—Conferred with client’s father and played golf with him on several occasions
Reason for Leaving- A couple months after closing my first deal with the client, we both soon realized we weren’t nearly experienced enough to be doing this type of business. The issue with your first client is you end up getting yourself in way over your head before you’ve had any sort of experience with this type of business. Her father interrupting one of our conference meetings surely didn’t help though.