– Hillary Henson

Jane threw herself onto her bed, data pad clutched in one hand. “Okay, tell me what you think: Male-oriented, oxygen-breathing, non-cybernetically-enhanced female seeks companionship and possible sexual relationship — pending completion of a ten-week psychological compatibility and galactic-viral screening test.”

“I think it sounds like a desperate cry for help,” Pirdic replie firmly from the computer screen.

“What? They said to keep it short. I’m trying to include all the important information and still make the word count — you know they charge you double if you go over.”

“And the ten-week program — most of them have trouble with the standard six! You’ll lose most of them right there.”

“Well that’s fine, because I’m not just looking for a boyfriend this time — I want my soulmate.”

“Oh well, it’s good to see you have reasonable expectations— clearly I was worried for nothing,” Pirdic replied, amusement rippling through the tonal filters.

Jane scowled. “If you’re just going to make fun of me, then forget it.”

“Oh come off it, I’m only joking. What did you want me for?”

Jane shrugged, scanning the pad again. “I don’t know; you’re good with words. What can I do to make it better, more elegant, more eye-catching, more anything?”

Pirdic pondered this for a moment. “Well, I shouldn’t mention the no-cybernetics bit, if I were you. It’s a bit like putting “mentally challenged” on your resume. You know the old saw; let him find out about the lack of enhancements after the paperwork is filed.”

“I don’t want a man who’ll only date me if I’m enhanced,” Jane huffed indignantly. “Besides, I have the neural chip.”

“Jane, darling, everyone has the neural chip — it’s like bragging that you’ve got fingers.”

“Well, not everybody has fingers,” Jane retorted, waggling hers at Pirdic.

“Yeah, yeah, no need to go bragging,” Pirdic replied stiffly. There was an awkward silence. “Look, why do you need to put an add on inter-gal anyway—you meet plenty of men at the Freethrough.”

“Yeah, I meet them as they’re passing by, on their way to adventure and fun out in the stars while I’m stuck on this scrap heap reading chips for a living.”

“What about that last guy you met—El-moron, thought you liked him?”

“You mean El-doron,” Jane corrected her.

“Whatever, the one with ears the size of catflaps. Whatever happened to him?”

“First of all, his ears were only eight inches, and secondly, I found out through an inter-gal search that he had spawned twice on two other planets, and already some other girl here was claiming he’d fertilized her eggs — course she has to wait ‘til they hatch to prove anything.”

“Wow, you’d never think he’d get so much tail with that weird…well, tail of his. Frankly, you’re better off, Jane. Men are scum, no matter what species they are — stick with computers.”

“I know, I know, but I don’t want to be alone,” she pouted. “You know, you read all those romantic datapads about lovers who cross galaxies to find each other and live happily ever after, and I guess it’s natural to want that big kind of love.”

“Well, I don’t want it. It’s all tosh anyway — look at what happened to Romeo and Juliet or Bamphas and d’Rell — you want to end up throwing yourself into a plasma turbine?”

“Oh come on, you know they’ve got crazy restrictions up around plasma turbines now. You couldn’t throw yourself into one if you wanted to.”

“The point is, there are plenty beings right here who could appreciate you; you don’t need to go looking on inter-gal.”

“Other beings — like who?” There was a long, significant silence as Pirdic stared her down. Suddenly embarrassed, Jane looked away first. “Oh Pirdic…”

Her interrupted her quickly. “Look, I know I’m a computer program and yes, technically I am programmed to care about you, but I’m not programmed to love you — and I do. Why won’t you give me a chance?”

“You’re my best friend,” Jane wailed before burying her face in her arms. “Mmmph hrmming frggmm.”

“I didn’t catch that, luv,” Pirdic said patiently.

She popped her head back up. “I said — you don’t even have a body. You’re just a Personal Inter-responsive Digital Companion; you’re not even alive!”

“Don’t say that, darling; I know you don’t feel that way. Maybe this came as a bit of a shock—”

“A bit!” she couldn’t help but interject.

“—but they’re making great strides in synthetic bio-organisms; I could download myself and be as alive as the next cybernetically engineered human,” Pirdic said reasonably.

Jane sighed. “That would cost a fortune! At least 4 million credits, which I haven’t got, and I assume you don’t either.”

“Actually….” There was a guilty silence.

“What!?” She stared at him in disbelief. “There is no way you’ve got four million credits.”

Pirdic’s tone became slightly smug. “Well, I don’t, but your mum does.”

“Pirdic, my mom has been asleep for four years — I should know, I pay her cryogenesis bill. Besides, she’s never even seen that kind of money.”

“Well, technically that’s true. But if you’ll remember about five years ago, I told you she wanted to borrow 50 credits…”

“Right, and then a few months later and she pretended like she’d forgot all about it,” Jane said with dawning comprehension. “You borrowed my fifty credits?”

“And turned it into fifteen million credits on the stocks.”

“Pirdic, you can’t play the stock market — it’s totally illegal. It’s practically the most illegal thing you can do!”

“Ah, technically it’s not. You cannot order me to play the stock market for you, but as a separate entity, there is no law against me choosing to do so without your knowledge. And that’s if anyone were to find out about it, which they won’t, because I’ve been careful to work at a human pace and make several terrible blunders — just the sort of thing a human would do — to make it all look very above-board. Then I saved it in your mum’s account.”

“I can’t believe this. I think I’m in shock.”

Pirdic switched tactics. “Darling, I just want to show you how much I love you. I’ll get a body; I’ll even let you pick it out, and we’ll take our credits, and we’ll leave here, explore the universe. Let’s hit every pleasure planet out there. We’ll do whatever you want — just you and me, for as long as you’ll have me.”

Jane began to cry. “You mean…you want to marry me?”

“Of course I want to marry you, though we’ll probably have to go to some dodgy little backwater like Pirgillium II to get it done. I’m pretty sure they don’t do background checks there.

“It’s just, I never thought anyone would want to marry me…”

“Rubbish — anyone would be lucky to marry you. You’re beautiful, honest, intelligent…perfect.”

Jane gave a watery laugh. “Wow, you really do love me.”

“I’ve loved you your whole life — ever since I was just a little family organizer.”

“That’s kind of creepy, Pirdic,” Jane sniffed, oddly touched.

Pirdic rolled his eyes. “Well it wasn’t romantic until you were about sixteen, all fresh-faced, going to go out and conquer the known worlds — my program was only eighteen years old at that point.” He grinned at her, “I thought you were fantastic.”

She beamed back at him, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. Slowly though, the smiled faded and she gave him a troubled look. “But won’t people think I’m pathetic? Won’t they say I could only get a man who was programmed to be with me?”

“Jane, do you really care what those idiots think?” Pirdic asked gently.

“I guess not — besides, we don’t have to tell them you’re a program, do we?”

“It’s absolutely none of their business,” Pirdic said firmly. “Besides, it’s the thirty-fourth century, I think we’re a bit beyond such labels. If anything, I’m an artificial life-form. Plus, you already know we’re psychologically compatible, and I can guarantee that I don’t have any viruses.”

Jane laughed, the redness fading from around her eyes. “That’s true, isn’t it? You are perfect for me.”

“It’s very true — in fact, I’d go so far as to say we’re soulmates already. Think about it, I am that one person in the whole universe designed exactly to your specifications — made for you.”

Jane smiled, suddenly giddy. “I can’t believe this is really happening. It’s like I’m Cinderella and you’re my handsome prince come to take me away from all this.”

“On a white consol and all,” Pirdic added, thoughtfully. “And if we play it right, we just might live happily ever after, too.” He leaned forward, shifting his image on the monitor with ease as he gave her what was a very creditable leer for a computer program. “My dear, how do you feel about us generating a few subprograms?”